In the loving memory of Staffas who are no longer with us.
Staffa Formally known as Staff, a member of the EME disciplinary committee with the task of checking students’ uniforms and maintaining discipline over all; Pl, Staffay; staffaic,pertaining to the ways of a Staffa
History The staff were initially clad in pink tracksuits, which resulted in them being popular as Gulabo.
Chup kar key chal, Gulabo dekh ley gi teri socks.
For reasons not hard to decipher, their tracksuits were later changed to blue, which changed their nicknames to Staffa.
I.
Staffa Tales
The Couples of Two’s and Three’s and Four’s
Females and males are not allowed to intermingle in EME, as “gender-mixing” is prohibited within the confines of the university. Concentrating on the semantics of the policies should leave the reader impressed, but it is only when the staffaic orations are heard that one begins to fully appreciate the literary side of CEME.
It so happened that once, not very long ago, a young guy accompanied by two female class fellows set himself on the journey towards the bus stand when a Staffa intercepted them. Insisting that the girls leave while he has a word with the guy, the staffa waited patiently while the confused girls exchanged glances with each other and decided to do as told. He then asked the guy to hand over his card and mentioned in clear, blatant terms, “Sahab! Aap coupling kar rahay they. Iss ki ijazat nahin!” Another coupler whom a Staffa sighted with three girls in the library, pretentiously studying but in reality indulged in notorious coupling, was charged with a fine of 5000 Rupees.
Coupling is now a norm in EME, and serves as one of the many reasons why the sadistic author feels the absence of Staffas very strongly.
The Curious Case of Google
The Staffaic objection to Coupling must not limit the reader’s understanding of the their full character. To say that Staffas did not understand the norms of young people and were outdated in their thinking would be an unfounded blasphemy owing to the reader’s lack of sound judgment. They not only understood the modern issues, but were also empathetic towards their effect, the following narration holding testimony to the fact.
Once during Fall In in the Drill Square, a gentleman cadet was missing. Staffa upon counting found one boy short, and inquired about his whereabouts. A guy seemingly morose informed him in a grievous tone that the missing GC had been seriously ill with a condition called “Google,” could not sleep the entire night due to the intensity of the strong “Googling” pains in his abdomen, and was thus rendered unable to move from bed. The other GC’s had similar anguished expressions, and those who had only then discovered the news seemed to be in a state of shock. Empathy had the staffa clutched in its warm grip when he, too, sighed and agreed that the boy was unfortunate to contract the serious ailment that no one could even Google about.
The Bermuda Triangle Pants
The staffaic understanding of Google doesn’t imply an equal acceptance of some other behaviors, such as not wearing pants.
A very remarkable in-living student was not allowed inside the mess because of improper dressing; he was clad in a pair of knee-long Bermudas as opposed to full length pants. This young guy then wore a pair of pants over the Bermudas and entered the mess. Upon seating himself, however, he removed the extra pair of clothing and began dining in his Bermudas. The Chacha at mess objected to this wanton practice, but Mr. Amazing argued that since the Staffa had let him enter, he was in no position to protest. Bewildered, he decided to have a word with the Staffa, when upon their return, both saw a grave looking gentleman in proper dress code eating dinner in a civil, refined manner: the pants were back on.
Cinderella Boy
He went to the Staffa and mentioned his need to return home immediately; there had been a crisis. The Staffa inquired about the details, but he was naturally reluctant to share. Staffa insisted, but the GC was insecure and unsure of the response that would follow the mention of his private details. It was only so long, however, before he began opening up to the staffa about his family struggles and financial troubles, and narrated the many hardships he had faced at the tender age of 19. He told him about his father, the soul bread-earner of their family, and his occupation as a driver, and the meager income not sufficing the needs of the house. The fact that inflation and crumbling national economy did not help the situation, and that life had been a bizarre series of events with nightmares transmuting into realities and integrating themselves into a part of his normal routine which had now left him downtrodden emotionally. It was a long story, but the Staffa was an empathetic company genuinely interested in his struggles, and the GC mentioned repeatedly how it lightened his burden to be able to share it with someone. The Staffa, concerned with his financial situation, asked him about the vehicle that his father drove.
“Jahaz. Mera abba pilot hain.”
To this, the Staffa left the place angrily saying, “Sahab, yeh aap ney mujhey ullu banaya hai. Yeh sahi baat nahin!”
The Blue-Black Jeans Paradox
Two girls clad in jeans were stopped by a Staffa one morning. ‘Madam, Card!” Since jeans was not allowed to females. Both took out their cards, but the one wearing black jeans was told that her dress was not in violation of the dress code, and that she needed not submit the card. Her friend, however, clothed in blue jeans, had her RFID confiscated. Similar occurrences of card confiscations gave rise to the consciousness of a paradox that is articulately explained by the author as follows.
The discrimination between black and blue jeans is independent of color, and bases solely on the nature or identity of the two pieces of clothing. While blue jeans shows our imitation of a foreign culture, thereby suggesting the existence of a social inferiority complex and a collective lack of values, in addition to signifying a diminishing sense of cultural identity, black jeans is exempted from the category of inappropriate female clothing due to a collective screwing of logic. And, owing to the fact that black and white are deemed equal due to the condemnation of racism by all major religions.
Be ye damned, Racism! Be ye damned, o diabolic discriminator of humanity!
The denouement of the above rational discussion may be summarized in the form of the Staffaic Blue-Black Jeans Paradox: Blue is jeans and black is okay.
II.
The Staffaic Lingo
“Madam! Card! Aap key shoes wraang hain!”
Members of the Pakistan Army, Staffas were no ordinary beings. They had the remarkable skills to scan a student from head to toe in one cursory glance, and possessed the uncanny ability to observe the color of socks even when they were completely hidden under boots.
“Rangeen mozey jaa rahay hain!”
Their fine eye for detail and the perfectionist demeanor is hard to keep itself hidden and manifests itself in their speech.
“Sahib, jootey polish nahi hain aap key.”
“Staff, subah kiey they!”
“Yeh dekhain sahib merey shoes, main roz in main chehra dekh kar ata houn! ”
Conventional humans who have always kept themselves confined to customary methods of self-identification and personal analysis, and those who have wasted money on the purchase mirrors owing to their inability to fully fathom and appreciate the reflective laws of light are advised not to feel very discouraged.
Their deep religious knowledge and assessment of human psychology is not be ignored, either.
“Madam, Shaal sahi tarah sar par lain.”
Hence, a “shaal” taken with the intention of letting the slightest breeze enable it to slip off the hair shall need to be readjusted; the staffa sees right through such girlish antics. This may also be followed by a quick religious sermon in case the shaal is too transparent to serve the purpose.
“Madam, Shaal wraang hai, Shaal pehchan hoti hai!”Therefore, a “shaal” too thin to qualify as the identification of a Muslim EMEnent girl shall be a violation of the dress code, irrespective of the required navy blue color.
III.
Safety Measures
Staffas were strategically deployed on all the crucial points: near the buses to greet descending students, next to the card swiping area for welcoming indolent creatures who didn’t like to swipe, on the bridge, and in front of the departments. However, like all other plans, this too, did not prove to be foolproof. Should the Staffas ever come back, the students must continue the legacy of the seniors.
Things that save EMEnents when encountering a Staffa:
- 1. The adamant insistence that you are Ruqayya Bano or Hamida Begum if a staffa asks your name. The author often went by the name of Pari Bibi.
- 2. “Card ghar reh gya hai!” to the first staffa who objects to your wraang uniform.
- 3. “Card pichley staff ney ley lia tha!” in case of being asked for it by a staffa deployed at a later location
Laws of Escape
Survival instincts in case of predatory staffaic encounters can be mainly categorized into two types. It is to be considered that these only work in case of female students.
The Fright or Flight Response
A female student, in case of an encounter with a Staffa, should run. She will most definitely not be pursued owing to an utter lack of appropriateness of the act. The only course of her pursuit will be acoustic, with sound waves reverberating a loud, bewildered “Madam! Madam! Aap ruk jayein. Aap key shoes wraang hain!” To her convenience, the intensity of the sound waves should be inversely proportional to the distance she covers by running, and hence the noise should not be audible for very long.
In case of the unlikely event of her being followed by a Staffa, she should not concern herself with outrunning him, as slow, joyful sauntering also serves the purpose. This, due to the simple fact that the Staffa by no means has the liberty to catch her. However, If the impossible happens and the staffa, most likely high on a heavy dose of cocaine, or a victim of Samad Bond solvent-abuse (most likely the latter), decides to grab her, she has the option of making a strong case against the homicidal assault. The Cadet Battalion will in 10 cases out of 5, vote in her favor. Hence, the odds of success are 200%, and the RFID is in her pocket.
If a sociopathic skeptic inquires the cause of her running, any reason such as “I wanted to exercise,” “It was Tuesday,” “I had promised myself to be the first one to enter the class,” or “My limbs are infidels to my mind” should serve the purpose.
This, in the memory of a great, hilarious senior who actually did
run away on being called by a Staffa.
The Appeal to Empathy by a Display of Female Vulnerability
Female students who prefer drama over exercise, upon a Staffaic encounter, should make a convincing show of pretentious vulnerability and give an immaculate performance of innocence. It has been shown to work effectively well if the pitch of sound is kept medium and the volume intensity low. Choking back soft sobs while giving a long, grievous narration of personal struggles has guaranteed a hundred percent success with all Staffa’s.
“Madam! Card! Aap key shoes wraang hain.”
“Merey shoes phat gaye they kal. Mein roz black shoes hi pehan kar hi jaya karti thi, per phatney ki wajah sey unhain pehan kar paoun main zakham hou gaye hain. Ab mouchi ko diey huey hain, iss liye aaj na chahney key bawajood, majbooran yeh heels pehan’ni pareen. Aap please mujhey aaj ka din dey dain! Mouchi ka udhaar wapis kar key kal tak mein jootey ley aoun gi.”
“Jayein madam. Apna khayal rakhain.”
A special thanks to everyone who narrated the stories of Staffas to me, especially Aleena and Faisal. And to Sobia Kanwal, my techie friend whose love for the Staffas transformed itself into PhotoShop drawings.
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